Below is a continuation of journal entries from my breast cancer journey. As I mentioned in Pink Ribbon 1, the entries are raw. Additions/edits for clarity are in brackets.

Regarding timeline: The radiologist expressed her concerns about cancer on October 9^th, 2013. The biopsy occurred 7:30am October 15^th and the diagnosis on the 17^th at 4pm. Looking back, this in-between space was the hardest for me emotionally.

Journal Entry: October 13^th, 2013 10:45am Sunday at home

Thursday night [after the radiologist expressed her concern and we told the children] Jonathan and Keona held me tightly while I cried. The day was difficult—it took me hours to do what would take 30 minutes in the kitchen and I was weepy all day. I want to follow You in life and in death—I want to know how You desire me to respond to this trial. The kids were just extraordinary: Jona rose up; Keona is near and nurturing; Louie is showing love by working hard on homework.

Then Friday morning I woke up already praying and saying, “I will live and not die.” According to John 15.5, I am abiding in You and Your Word is in me. I ask for decades with my children. I ask to grow old with my husband. And I add a request for this cup to pass from me. Yet let Your will be done. 

Saturday was tougher with the kids. I’m trying to get things in order in case a surgery knocks me out for a while. But maybe a clean house isn’t what would best serve them?

There’s a theme [in the concerns I’m experiencing for my family] of order [and organization]…I hope not, but could it really be [the pursuit of] control? Is this my default on the edge of a crisis?

Holy Spirit, You are welcome here.

Journal Entry: October 16^th, 2013 9:30am Wednesday at home

Good Morning, Father. The biopsy was yesterday from 7:30-9:30am. I felt peaceful, sober…and as soon as I stepped into the biopsy room, teary. Stephanie had sent me Zeph 3:17 just as I was walking in and I held on to that verse during the procedure. Back home, everyone treated me like a precious porcelain teacup so it was easy to abide by the doctor’s orders to be a couch potato all day. 

Some have felt that this is warfare: “an attack on a mother in Israel in the mammary glands closest to the heart” and they are (gratefully) praying in a spirit of warfare. Others are focusing on healing and praying for Bear, the kids, and my mom. My prayers have been a mingling of all the above. Thank You for the great display of love and support from the Body of Christ.

The only thing I consistently feel is Your beloved nearness and an extreme confidence that You will take care of Bear and the children.

Journal Entry: October 17^th, 2013 11:11am Thursday at home

Morning Lord. I woke up this morning prayfully hopeful for a good report from the doctor. We are all waiting.

Waiting. This is a different type of waiting—thicker and more stressful.

Bear and Jona are at the dentist and then they may go down to Rivendell depending on the report. Louie is with Mom. I’m in my prayer room but most of my energy is being invested in being still and calm in You. I have a beautiful space to work on school [DMin courses] with Keona near doing homeschool. But my ability to concentrate isn’t what it normally is.

I want to be attentive to how You are forming me, Lord. Over and over, I’ve thought, “You already know.” And You know the desire of my heart.

Today’s the first day I’ve seen stress on my precious husband. He didn’t like being away from home today with us expecting the call. But life continues. And we need to keep things as steady for the kids as possible until further notice.

All is in Your hands. And I deeply trust Your hands.