On October 9th, 2013, I sat in a waiting room watching brightly dressed volunteers graced with pink vests and peppermints escorting anxious women into the glass walled corner nook for them to receive good news about their mammograms.
The waiting was familiar. For the third year in a row the center had called me back in for a second look. This time, I thought, would be much of the same. My heart was at peace as I checked-in that day, donned my gown, and journeyed from the waiting room to the mammogram to the waiting room to the next exam.
After the sonogram, I called Barry who was on a prayer retreat in Branson. “Bear, something is different this time,” I said willing my voice to stay calm. “I’m on my way back home,” my prince replied.
There was no glass-walled corner nook for me that day. A nurse without peppermints escorted me into a private room where a beautiful radiologist pulled her chair up close to say in a quiet, merciful voice, “I think it’s cancer.” I paused, took a deep breath, and asked, “If it is, what are my options?” She replied, “If it’s not in the lymph nodes you will probably be able to chose radiation or a mastectomy.”
The biopsy was at 7:30am on October 15th and around 4pm October 17th, 2013, the phone rang and a voice said, “Alicia, the results are in. I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear…”
I have been hesitant to share the journey for several reasons. But now it seems time. Perhaps for a month or so, alongside my other blog posts I will blog pink ribbon journal entries from what I consider to be among the most sacred of chapters in my spiritual journey.
For those who are wondering, I will take the angst out of the story from the beginning: I chose a double mastectomy with specialists in California. They found a hidden more aggressive cancer in the removal process. All lymph nodes were clear. My recovery was remarkable. Today I am cancer-free.
Good news indeed. But the best news occurred in my soul. My journal entries will be raw. Please read them as the journey of just one soul. Everyone’s story is different even though our Savior remains the same. I will skip the medical details/decisions in order to focus upon interior movements in my heart and family.
And I will distinguish the breast cancer journey blogs by a pink ribbon. It is okay if you would rather skip them altogether. Pink has never been my favorite color.
Journal Entry: October 10, 2013 10am Thursday — at home
Morning Lord. As You know, yesterday the follow-up at the breast center revealed a small hard mass that the doctor thinks is cancerous….My thoughts have ranged. I ache deeply to see You and my children feel they still need me here. I say “feel” because I know You would take care of them. I thought of my beloved man who loves me so deeply. I thought of the books I have longed to write and how they are already written in my children’s hearts.
Bear came home from his prayer retreat so we could talk with the children. We wrestled with this wondering if we should wait until after the biopsy. But we concluded that to be true to how our family is, there could be no secrets and, as Bear said, “their prayers are powerful.”
Bear shared that the doctors found a mass in my breast that they are concerned about and that we have some procedures ahead. Jonathan and Keona immediately began to cry. Jonathan remembered the last time I had surgery and said, “That was awful.” I kept asking Louie if he had questions. He finally asked, “Is it inside your body or outside your body? Will you die? If you die will you give me things in your cedar chest?” Keona’s questions were asked privately, “Are you going to die? If you die who can I talk to about puberty?”
After comforting them each face-to-face, I asked them all together:
“Who decides when my last day on earth will be?”
“Jesus,” they replied softly.
“And who loves you even more than I do?” I asked with tears in my eyes.
“Jesus,” they replied with hugs.
Developmentally, I’m so grateful to see that they don’t feel that suffering and God’s love are mutually exclusive. They are secure in Your love and our love. Thank-you.
This morning I woke up with more fight in my soul for the sake of my children. I have more pages to write in their souls. I slept in and am moving slowly. I think a lot of my energy is being absorbed emotionally. I need to prepare for some school projects and create the kids’ new healthy-living-checklists. The house is a bit out of order and Jonathan needs some direction.
I love You.
I went through breast cancer last year from march. I had a double masectomy, chemo, and radiation. The only thing that seemed to save my life from fear was the presence of God and his son Jesus Christ. You are definetly a strong woman Alicia!!! Keep up the writings!!!
Wow, strength and joy for your journey as well, Chelsea. Yes, the fear dissolved in Jesus’ presence like cold ice in the hot sun.
Alicia, I feel honored that you would share your journey with us. The journey is about so much more than cancer. It is about a fresh work of grace in your heart, and those of your family members. We can all learn from that. So thankful you are cancer free. You do have more pages to write. Blessings to you!
Thank you, Leah. I do look forward to writing more pages in my children’s souls :-).
Thank you for the courage to post this. I so needed to hear your words about the Lord being the one who decides on the number of your days. I spent the afternoon at the hospital with my oldest daughter whose reports are quite dire. They are still doing treatment but her cancer is not curable by any methods of man. We are still praying for a miracle. Thank you again.
Oh, Linda, thank you for sharing your journey. Please know that even now I am praying for you and your daughter!
Hi, Alicia
I am from Pastor Paul and Lynn’s church in New Iberia. I too have experienced an almost identical situation. God is so faithful!!! I was blessed by not having to have chemo, nor radiation. On a lighter side, that biopsy is a “whopper”, huh! In Sept. I celebrated being 6 yrs. cancer free. I am so happy that you are doing well. I am glad God is no respecter of persons and what he has done for me , he has done for you! I praise the Lord for His strength, His mercy and His grace to stand in Him and to trust Him!!!
Your sister in Christ our Lord,
Dahleen
Thank you, Dahleen. I rejoice with your good report!
Thank you so much for sharing this publicly. I cannot even imagine the emotional and spiritual journey this has taken you on but I know that there are so many women out there who need to hear the raw vulnerability. You are truly a beautiful woman!
Thank you, Deb. It truly has been sacred ground–the nearest taste of heaven I’ve known to date.
Hi Alicia,
Some years ago, I heard you speak at a women’s conference in Phoenix. I remember thinking, “Lord, this child of Yours is such a tremendous gift to each of us.” It was very apparent, Alicia, you had surrendered ALL to the One who loves you most, King Jesus. Time passed, and I saw you again, briefly, at Canaan in the Desert as you and Sister Georjean were going into the Chapel. The presence of the Lord was all over you. Child of God, I am praying for you as you travel this journey, “boxing gloves on” for the “fight,” ahead, and…please,
Alicia, keep wearing your “killer” high heels. So cool! Trusting Jesus with you every step of the way, Jan Neal
Oh, Jan, what beautiful words for me today. Thank you! I shall continue wearing “killer” high heels with boxing gloves!
Thank you for your willingness to let us “in” to your story. The Lord has entrusted you with this platform for such a time as this and many need to hear so they too will believe and entrust themselves to the Master. Praying for continued healing, peace and grace for you, Barry and your children.
Thank you, Dawn, for your encouragement. It’s a sweet affirmation from Jesus to me that the time is right. Peace to you.
Alicia,
Thank you for sharing this. I want to read them all, so please give me whatever links I need. As you know, I have been there. The Lord is the Author of my days as well. It is amazing as I look back, that my international training ministry began 9 years after my first and 2 years after my second diagnosis of breast cancer. I have been to several nations and have trained a few thousand children’s workers who in turn touch 10’s (100’s?) of 1000’s of children. The Lord is good, no matter what, all the time and this chapter wouldn’t be all that it is without the breast cancer chapter.
Nancy, if you subscribe to the blogs you’ll receive a notification each time I post. Currently, the posts aren’t archived anywhere that I could link to. Thank you for living your journey so courageously. You have always been one who loves the nations and lives for them to know our Savior! My greetings to Greg.
Thank you for opening up the pages to your season. No doubt, many will be comforted by your transparency. Blessed survivorship … beyond the scars, sister-warrior. Love you.
Thank you, Elaine, for encouraging me to “grace the stage.” Love you!