(This is a series of raw pink ribbon blog posts from my breast cancer journey. This one begins four days after receiving the diagnosis.)

October 21, 2013 12:15pm Monday at home

“I’ve tasted and seen of the sweetest of love”—the song “Holy Spirit” by Jesus Culture has been ministering to my soul today.

Keona and I talked last night. She seemed a bit distant. She began to cry and express her fear of losing me. She wonders why You didn’t heal me. I encouraged her to bring all her emotions and questions to You:

“Just like Mary and Martha did when they didn’t understand why Jesus let their brother die. And did Jesus say, ‘Shhhh—you shouldn’t say or think that!” I asked her.

“No,” Keona responded, “he cried with them.”

And that’s our safe place: with Jesus. I shared with her how sometimes when people are afraid of losing what they love that they will distance themselves because they think the distance will make the hurt less. But the regret on the other side actually makes the hurt greater. We committed to keep pressing in and to treasure every moment we have together.

My spiritual mentor called today. Thank You! I want to remember Yvonne’s word:

• “Intimacy is a major call on your life. Embrace that and experience that. He will teach you deeper things about love.”
• “Barry’s sense of the importance of joy is critical. Joy heals.”
• “Yes, it’s okay for you to focus on loving intimacy as your weapon. It’s not passivity—what could be a greater form of warfare than to counter all that the enemy stole in Gen 3? Stand and declare that you will not let love and intimacy be sacrificed.”
• “There’s not just one way to fight battles. So the real key is to listen each time. Listen to the Father. You’re hearing one thing. Barry another. Your friends another. It looks like God is giving a multi-faceted plan for battle.

October 23, 2013 11:45am Wednesday at home

Intimacy is my warfare assignment. Lord, if you had laid before me all the “weapons” available and given me a choice, I would have chosen loving intimacy. You are so generous to me.

October 28, 2013 10am Monday at home

Self can’t kill self no matter how long it fasts. Only Your Presence holds the power to dissolve the hold self has upon us. I remember how You spoke this truth to my heart years ago through an image of a fatally flawed house and Your invitation to leave that house and be clothed in Christ as my truth home. The image still stirs longing in my soul.

This experience has been supernaturally graced. You are providing for every detail. It’s as though You’ve banished fear from the garden for this is certainly beyond me.

Elaine challenged me to “grace the stage.” She asked if I felt led to journey publicly through the experience. At this point I don’t. But I’m aware of a sincere concern on two fronts. I shared with her how I don’t want to be disrespectful of those who have been through chemo and radiation when my experience (1) may be gratefully shortened by the bilateral mastectomy if the lymph nodes are clear, and (2) has—by Your grace—been so full of love and even joy. It’s like someone who has been graced with the safety of a stateside assignment volunteering or making themselves available to be a poster child for those on the frontline of a bloody battle. She feels there may be a call at some point to share the story. I hold that potential before You.

October 31, 2013 11:20am Thursday flying to LAX

This morning I was teary cuddling with Louie, Keona, and Jonathan; I sang their songs over them and prayed for them. To be away so long for the surgery and recovery…I miss them already.

Spoiled. I feel so spoiled, Abba Father.

• You made a way via Dr. Matt for a quicker biopsy.
• You directed the research to the LA doctors and procedure.
• You provided the Mathis’ home before surgery.
• You provided Christie and Stephanie to guide us in decision making.
• You provided Lori and Mom to watch the kids so Barry could be with me.
• You provided flights for Lori and Bear and a car in LA and our deductible via UE.
• You provided direction and housing via Geoff and Lisa and food via Dean and Carol.
• You provided fun things for the kids to look forward to through Lori, the Stinsons, and the Galindos.
• You provided a way for me to somehow keep and organize hundreds of details to get the kids’ schedules and my travel together.
• You provided Dianne and Imagine to get me to LA.
• You provided favor for medical leave from the DMin.
• You provided prayer warriors, Yvonne, S. Rebekkah, and an amazing Lii Board to cover us with favor and intercession.

You have provided! You will provide! You are enough!