(This is a series of raw journal entries from my breast cancer journey.)

Journal Entry: October 20, 2013 12pm Sunday at home

Precious Savior, Thursday brought sad news and You have been faithful to carry us. Though realism prepared me for what the nurse said at 3:30pm Thursday, I was still surprised to hear the word cancer. I was stunned. Bear and I were together and we immediately took steps to finalize the three consults [with mastectomy specialists].

After we held each other we sat down with Jonathan and Keona to relay the news. Jona cried and Keo fought fear. I treasure every drop of their lives.

That evening, I cried and shook in Bear’s arms. I don’t fear death and it wasn’t a fear of pain. I also have this deep confidence that You will bless Bear and the kids. Bear explained, “But you don’t have to be afraid in order to still feel loss.” Yes, that’s it. I am sad about loss—that the kids now fear loosing me; that I may lose something of being present on earth for their beautiful lives.

Many have expressed their anger at the enemy and committed to stand on the wall in spiritual warfare. Thursday night, I too felt a growing passion to fight, to rise up as a Mother in Israel and stand. But by far, most of what I feel is tenderness toward Your Spirit [and an awareness] of Your love. I feel like less of a warrior and more of a lover. I’m not passive—we have been very proactive in seeking out the next step. But most of my day is spent talking with You, not rebuking the enemy. I know we all have different assignments and we need to be true to how You have designed us.

I believe that nothing can touch me without Your permission. So deep within is an assurance of Your protection and eternal purpose. Though I ache at the possibility of decreased time on earth as mom of Jonathan, Keona, and Louie and wife of Barry, I do not believe that this is outside of what You have chosen to allow. Grant me discernment to fight when it is what is needed. And my hope is that by embracing all as under You, by viewing pain as an invitation to greater intimacy and a purifier of love, that my response of loving You and declaring and relishing Your good love for me defuses the enemy’s strategies.

My hope is that my love IS warfare.

Thursday night as we fell asleep, Bear shared how he felt that among our mightiest weapons would be the joy of the Lord. Friday morning I woke up with supernatural joy. By Your grace, I was buoyant.

Since then, the peace has been deep. This morning as I was offering to You some of the stray “what if” thoughts going through my mind, I realized that You were offering me an illustrated sermon. Jonathan asked me why I turned off his computer and I explained that it was getting too hot. He transitioned from thinking I had shut his computer down because he had exceeded his screen time to realizing that I had shut it down to protect it. He said, “Oh wow, Mom, thank you! You saved my work!”

What looked punitive was actually protective.

Unlike Jona, I’ve never felt that this breast cancer journey was punitive but I am grateful that it is protective! You hold all my prayers and heart’s desires. Somehow there is a work to be done through this trial that compliments Your divine purposes and my deepest desires.